H2O-NO-YOU-DON’T: A Cooler Becomes a Crime, Cooler Heads Fight Against the HOA #MindOfMarlar
Arizona HOA Declares Jihad on Free Hydration in 115-Degree Heat
A man gave away water. The HOA showed their appreciation by issuing $100 citations. Welcome to the suburbs.
***AUDIO VERSION***
Sun’s Out, Bureaucracy’s Out of Its Mind
In Goodyear, Arizona, where July afternoons make your skin audibly sizzle and anything left on a car seat turns into soup, a man named David Martin made the fatal mistake of being… decent.
David, clearly unhinged by things like kindness and common sense, placed a cooler of free bottled water at the edge of his driveway — smack in the line of sight of neighbors, dog walkers, and the Canyon Trails Homeowners Association. The HOA, trained in the ancient and sacred art of Missing the Point, immediately responded the only way it knows how: with citations.
These weren’t warnings. These were full-throttle, laminated $100 citations for “unauthorized cooler deployment.” Apparently that’s a thing? David’s alleged offense? Possession of a cooler with intent to distribute — water. To people. For free.
This is not a joke. Or rather, it absolutely IS a joke – just not to the HOA.
The Covenant Was Broken (Probably Around Page 73, Subsection D)
The management company overseeing the neighborhood, F-S Residential (which probably stands for “Fun-Siphoning” or “Flag-Sized Rulebook”), believes that coolers violate the neighborhood’s sacred visual balance. A cooler, you see, might inspire other dangerous behaviors — like shoveling snow off a neighbor’s driveway – or agreeing to pet-sit someone’s pooch – or waving to say “good morning” to a passing driver. We can’t have these atrocities in OUR neighborhood.
According to lore passed down since the beginning of time — or at least since the first caveman scowled at a neighbor’s mammoth-themed yard ornament — HOAs exist to protect Property Values™ from such moral decay.
And in their view, a red plastic Igloo cooler on a concrete slab is basically urban blight. It’s just one step away from having a junk car in your flower bed that’s needed fixing since the Kennedy Administration.
To be clear: this isn’t a party cooler full of beer and regret. It’s not even plugged in. It’s a glorified plastic box filled with ice and water bottles, sweating quietly in the shade, while Arizona tries to kill everyone with the atmosphere of a toaster oven.
David, unfazed and apparently unfamiliar with the deep wrath of suburban rule enforcement, explained, “It’s for the kids. It’s for the delivery driver. It’s for the couple holding hands walking down the street.”
This kind of language is considered borderline terrorism in HOA circles, David.
The Citations That Wouldn’t Die
The saga actually began last year when David’s cooler first attracted attention — not from dehydrated humans, but from HOA board members armed with clipboards and righteous fury. When news cameras showed up to highlight the insanity of the HOA, the fines stopped. Temporarily.
Then the cameras left, and the citations rose from the grave like a zombie trained in clerical paperwork.
It’s not just that they fined him. It’s how they did it — with the cold, mechanical efficiency of RoboCop writing up a violation infraction ticket. They tracked his violations like serial killers collect pinky toes. The HOA’s paper trail could be mistaken for a true crime file, if the act of “being thoughtful” was a crime.
Dave’s neighbor, Rich Koustas, summed it up best: “I have no idea why they are coming down on him. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Classic rookie mistake. Sense has no jurisdiction in HOA territory.
When Hydration Becomes a Revolutionary Act
David did what any reasonable suburban renegade would do: he stopped paying the fines and launched a campaign to remove the HOA board members responsible for this nonsense.
In less than a month, he rallied over 100 signatures and triggered a special vote — an event expected to be more explosive than any Fourth of July barbecue and with far fewer hot dogs.
The vote took place on a Thursday night after the asphalt cooled to a comfortable 108 degrees and residents could safely walk to the meeting without fusing to the pavement.
David’s goal was to replace three board members with people who aren’t actively threatened by the presence of chilled Dasani bottles. He was hopeful that the new board, once elected, wouldn’t immediately turn into the same flavor of cooler-hating cryptkeepers the old one did.
That’s so adorable.
Suburbia: Where Compassion Is Regulated
What makes this story truly disturbing — and also kind of hilarious in a horror-comedy sort of way — is what it reveals about American suburbia. There are entire neighborhoods governed by unelected lawn tyrants who hold meetings in fluorescent-lit rooms and fantasize about new color codes for garage doors.
We’re talking about people who genuinely believe a plastic cooler threatens the structural integrity of a cul-de-sac. People who can recite bylaw section numbers faster than their own anniversaries. People who see a neighbor giving away water on a 115-degree day and think: “This must be stopped.”
It’s easy to laugh. Until you realize they have actual power.
Final Thoughts From the Driveway Front Lines
Somewhere, right now, a child is walking home from school in the Arizona heat, wiping sweat from their face. A delivery driver is dragging a box of air fryers to a doorstep, wondering how they still haven’t invented teleportation. And the only cold water they could’ve had is sitting in a cooler that’s now forbidden to be distributed — because it might hurt someone’s feelings. Or worse — clash with the landscaping.
Meanwhile, David Martin’s cooler sat in his garage, not because he gave up, but because the HOA was treating bottled water like it’s contraband.
The real nightmare? This isn’t just happening in Goodyear.
Somewhere out there, another HOA board is listening to me and thinking, “You can fine people for that?”
And that, folks, should make your blood run cold — if your HOA still allows that.
Postscript: The Cooler Rebellion Succeeds
By the way, on Thursday July 10th, as the sun finally stopped trying to incinerate the western hemisphere, the residents of Canyon Trails gathered for what can only be described as the most dramatic suburban coup since the Great Garden Gnome Uprising of 2009.
Out of 210 ballots cast, a jaw-dropping 190 residents voted to oust the three board members responsible for the Great Water Cooler Crackdown. That’s a supermajority, for those keeping track — or, in HOA terms, “a sign of the end times.”
The board, now faced with the undeniable will of the people and probably a stack of angry emails titled “ARE YOU KIDDING ME,” officially recognized the vote.
And just like that, the neighborhood regime changed hands without a single shot fired — unless you count the passive-aggressive sighs echoing through Tupperware-cluttered kitchens.
David Martin’s cooler was spotted back in his driveway the next morning, glistening proudly in the dawn light, surrounded by children, delivery drivers, and at least one very sweaty Labrador retriever. A neighbor saluted it. Someone may have wept.
The war against the HOA is over. For now.
But someday soon, just over the horizon one home is contemplating installing a wind chime without prior approval…
the bylaws will be waiting.
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NOTE: Some of this content may have been created with assistance from AI tools, but it has been reviewed, edited, narrated, produced, and approved by Darren Marlar, creator and host of Weird Darkness — who, despite popular conspiracy theories, is not an AI voice.